Good morning, my fellow creatives and art lovers and just overall wonderful humans from all walks of life!
Stay tuned for a rant that may make you feel less alone, or it may make you think I'm crazy...we'll see!
This period of my life has been a strange one. The more I talk to others though, the more I hear this is true for most people across the board.
The world seems a bit unstable at the moment, for oh so many reasons, and I think collectively across the globe there is this, for lack of better term, "vibration," of fear and uncertainty that has us all questioning our purpose and existence.
I've not been an exception to that. I've been struggling to feel inspired. I am so burnt out from depending so much on my music to make money. My desperate need to sell myself and my music to others in a world that becomes increasingly more difficult for artists to make a living has been consuming me. Usually, it flows. Lately, it feels like hitting a wall.
I've been doing music since I was 13, that's 12 years ago. And I've been obsessed with being a musician since I was 5. That's literally the age I started to write songs. When you're "married" to a career like this, burn out is a natural part of the cycle and it happens every so often. Usually when it happens, I innovate and find a new way to flow and connect with my listeners.
But lately, it feels there is nowhere left to innovate. I'm exhausted from reinventing. And it makes me question myself. If I've been working this hard at something for this long and haven't found traditional "success", maybe I'm just not as good as I though I was. Maybe I don't deserve it. I thought this was my destiny since I was a toddler. Maybe I was wrong.
This is a particularly heartbreaking line of thought (lol) and one that really breaks me down. I think the thing that has been driving it home has been the fact that lately, at shows, people ask me why I left Nashville and often they have this look of pity in their eyes. So many times I have heard people say I "gave up" or didn't "make it". And as much as I don't want to be affected by those comments, I am. I hate being pitied and I hate when people can't see what I'm trying to do. It's not their fault, but it's still hard to see the world still so stuck on the traditional industry models in an industry that has wildly changed and become so virtual.
What those people don't understand is that I didn't give up, I chose to do it my way. I chose to leave the town where, every single night, all my friends were out getting wasted to flirt up some industry big shots, sleeping around and/or kissing ass to get a meeting. Where publishers and other writers told me I couldn't be myself in my songs or in real life if I want to succeed. Worst of all, in my opinion, where people were gathering 4 or 5 people to a room to write songs that had no meaning...it was just what they were told they need to write right now. Maybe I'm wrong, but all true art has been sucked out of the industry there. By the way, have you checked the headlines at country music festivals? It's usually about 2 women to every 20 guys playing.
Excuse my french but...fuck that.
I still believe in this message of honesty and storytelling. I still believe in music that moves. I still believe in all the AMAZING humans I have met and connected with through my music and stories and all those out there I haven't met yet.
I just don't know how to reach them. I feel like I was born 40 years too late. Attention spans, especially those of young people, are being shortened and stunted by screens and apps. Our world as a whole seems to be becoming more shallow and label prone. This makes it hard to get people to loosen up, let their guard down, and be themselves. My entire platform and music is based on being open about my mistakes and shortcomings and making light of it. I want to inspire the world to do the same because in that vulnerability is where we connect and find magic.
I am sorry to be depressing. But there is good news. I think every low moment like this is the predecessor to a huge awakening. I have toyed with giving up so much lately, but I don't think I ever could. This is who I am, and there is still so much to learn and be humbled and opened up by. So I've been taking a break. I play my shows to make a living but other than that, I've been trying to not even think about my career or my next move. I have been trying to let go of that part of me that wants to prove myself to people so badly.
Last night I had a dream. New ideas were born. I'm slowly letting that brew and trying to fall in love with music in a new way.
My love for you, never falters though, and I'm so grateful for your understanding and support on this crazy ride. Thank you for not giving up on me, even when I almost give up on myself.
I hope that this rant may help you in some way to know you are not alone and that we all are feeling down in some way, but there is always hope. When you feel this way, it's actually a great thing because it means possibility for a new beginning is around the corner. And you are allowed as many new beginnings as you wish. As many it takes to find peace and inspiration.
If you have ideas on how to connect in this new age can you help me? Message or comment below?
I love you so much