Good morning! You have officially made it through the Christmas season :) I hope everyone had a beautiful time celebrating, however that looked for you this year. I had an amazing time with my family, mostly playing games with my nieces and nephew. Anyways, I have a work tape for you to listen to, and I thought I'd share a few thoughts that come with the memory.
First off, this song is called "If This Ain't The Last Time" and I completely forgot it existed until I was having a conversation with someone the other day about love. I was talking about the reason why breakups hit me so hard and I feel so deeply heartbroken, moreso than the average person I suppose. It's not so much losing the person, as it is the absolutely heart wrenching idea that we spend so much time making memories with people and loving them, but we only get to spend our life with one person, if even that. Like, when you fall in love only to realize you aren't truly compatible with that person, but you still love them. Fuck, that kills me. Because I love deeply, I think. And I can't just shrug my shoulder and say "Oh, Well." For me it's this confusion of WHY did I meet them? WHY do I have to live the rest of my life with love in my heart for them? WHY did we make the memories? And I remembered that in 2016, when I was 20 years old, I wrote a song about this. So that's this work tape I've included in this post.
And, it's the first song on this month's mixtape, which leads me to my next topic. For those subscribed to my "Love Letter Tier", I don't always send mixtapes. It's an occasional thing. But if you're subscribed to "Mixtape Muse" tier, you get one every month. (I clearly love alliteration.) So I just wanted to send out a little update to ya'll that the mixtape is on it's way and I've done it digitally this month because the general response to CD's was that it complicates things. If you would rather a CD, send me your feedback! This month's mixtape is all songs that I wrote and then completely forgot I wrote until just this month, scrolling through all my old work tapes. So they are a little rough, but they are just raw and full of emotion. I'm excited to share.
Which leads to my next point....Creativity and Anti-depressants:
As I look through all my old songs, I find that I was writing a lot more, and in a quirkier style BEFORE I started taking Lexapro for anxiety and depression last January. This upsets me, and I think that partially it's just me being my own critic and always trying to "beat" my old self with better music, but I really feel like putting my emotions in a poetic way used to come much easier, and the songs I wrote when I was younger going through hard times, were much more vulnerable and effective. They are the songs I am most proud of. Like, I look back on some of them, and I'm like "Damn, how did I even think of that?" But is this a combination of me getting older and wiser as well? I was really coming of age during those times, and I'm writing from a much more mature point of view now. I like to write more about life and introspective things that inspire me than heartbreak lately, but it's not all necessarily relatable. I do feel that the pills make me a bit numb. Before I took them, I would feel INSANE joy but also INSANE sadness. I was constantly on a pendulum. Now, I'm off that ride, but sometimes I find myself thinking, why am I not more sad/happy about this? Anyways, I have written some songs I'm proud of since being on pills, but they are just different, and it's hard for me to accept that. I'm so much happier on a small dosage of antidepressants, but I do hope one day I can wean off of them so that I can restore my creativity to it's full luster. Just some random thoughts.
I hope your holidays are/were wonderful and safe and lovely. Let me know what you think of this song and this post! THANK YOU SO MUCH for a beautiful year and all your support. I love you.